DIVORCEE
I never thought I would have that word associated with me.
I used to imagine that if I lived right, did what my church leaders told to do, and tried my hardest to live the gospel of Jesus Christ according to the Mormon church, that I'd live a happy healthy fulfilling life.....
Then, REALITY CHECK, you're gay, it's still not going away, you gotta face this now. So after tons of heartache and pain and counseling I have another REALITY CHECK, the Mormon church isn't God's perfect organization and it's wrong about homosexuality and a number of other issues. Then, I come out and think the new gay world will be heavenly with lots of fun,laughter, and finally I'd find true love...REALITY CHECK, most young gay men are as horny and immature as young straight men!
BUT, I worked through dating and heartaches until I meet the man of my dreams. We moved in together, got married, bought a house, and started to live the American Dream. Times were good for the most part, and I often thought it would be heavenly forever. I thought I was through with my REALITY CHECKs!
Finally, I had found myself. I had found my place in life and knew what I wanted. I discovered Buddhism and regained a spiritual foundation for my life. I knew that life was a journey and tough, but I assumed that if I lived right, did what my heart told to do, and tried my hardest to live a moral life that people would eventually respect me for, that I'd live a happy healthy fulfilling life.....
Is it any wonder that life through me another REALITY CHECK?
Despite the efforts of my wonderful husband, I wasn't happy. We both made mistakes, and we both got hurt, only this time, I didn't know how to move on. I still wish there could have been a way for us to work things out, and sometimes I honestly hope that it's all a dream that I'll wake up from. Why is it that the older I get the more drama seems to become more a part of life rather then something I can avoid? I've keep asking myself questions but I find no answers.
REALITY IS AN ILLUSION
Things used to be so clear when I was Mormon. The prophet says this, so I do it. The Sunday school teacher said this, so I agree. The apostle said this, so I believe it. But then life through me a REALITY CHECK that I couldn't continue ignoring. I finally found the one question that they couldn't answer, and it was the only answer I wanted and desperately needed.
Now as a Buddhist, I'm encouraged to become comfortable with idea of "not knowing" so I can eventually find out for myself.... but that doesn't make the not knowing any easier. Sometimes, I just wish they'd tell me what to do. It's completely liberating to be allowed to freedom to make my own path and discover truth for myself, yet at the same time I'm completely debilitated by my ignorance and therefore inability to decide.
Was my husband emotionally abusing me with his lack of interest?
Was I causing myself pain where there was none?
Did I drive him away?
Would it have gotten better or ended up worse?
Is enough ever enough?
When should you leave someone, even if you're still in love with them?
Are we better off apart then together?
I don't know
One thing I do know, is that it hurt like hell and I only decided to leave because someone finally told me what to do. My counselor asked me when I was finally going to put my foot down....so I left. The pain, numbness and disbelief that day reminded me of the day I came out. It felt like shock, terrible, horrific, life ending shock.
Today, this is my only consolation....
"Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere."
