Sometimes, being an exMormon (aka
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) means I'll wake up with a
scripture in my head. It’s often random, unexplained, and even annoying to
remember. As a teen, I was encouraged to memorize, master, and internalize scriptures
from the four major books that Mormonism considers cannon scripture (Bible,
Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price). The church
was the primary place I received the most consistent positive attention and
encouragement. It was my safe space. Naturally then, when I was challenged to
memorize and make those scriptures part of my identity, I did!
Even
15 years after leaving the LDS faith, it’s still like second nature to call up
a hymn, a scripture, or even a quote from one of the Prophets. Today, I need to
release the frustration of having my past pompous pious persona pester me with
it’s persistent provocations. This mornings scripture which vexes me was from
the Book of Mormon (my favorite of the cannon), Mosiah 3:19:
“For
the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and
will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy
Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the
atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek,
humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord
seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”
This
morning, the beginning part of that scripture was stuck in my brain. In church,
we often focused on how our “natural” selves want to sin and how this
“biologically driven self”, similar to Freud's “Id” would get us all into
trouble with God. Today, as I brushed my teeth, I thought to myself, how queer
and honestly unhealthy is this particular thought to me now as a Buddhist and
as a Therapist. As a student of psychology and the human condition, I’m
constantly striving to be MORE honest and open with my “natural” or “real”
self.
I
used to hate my every biological craving, I even swore off dessert for a time
because I was afraid I had become addicted to sugar and was allowing sugar to
become my God. Any time I noticed a random thought which was labeled “sinful”
by the church, I demonized and hated myself for allowing such a thought to
enter my mind. During those moments, I’d often remember the admonition of Jesus
that even experiencing the emotion of lust for a woman was the same as breaking
the law of chastity. Looking back, I recognize that I had an intense fear of
sin.
Those
scriptures taught me that in my most natural state, without trying, I was
somehow an enemy to the Godly parent from whom I desperately desired approval.
Therefore, anything that I was naturally driven to do, had to be shunned. God
was not the problem, because he was the perfect parent. Logically then, the
problem was me. The scripture continued to prescribe an answer for the
fabricated problem, namely, becoming fully submissive to the church. Reflecting
on this, I was reminded of a Mormon ceremony I often participated in at the
temple called The Endowment, where we promised to give all of our time and
money to the church.
It
took me a long time to recognize and accept that many Mormons like me are
coerced and gaslighted by Mormon doctrine. In working with my own therapist I’m
slowly beginning to recognize that I often dissociated with myself. Not only
was this harmful, but it robbed me from knowing myself in countless ways. I
wasn’t encouraged to discover my “authentic self”. Instead, I was encouraged to
discover my “true self”, which just so happened to be a cookie cutter idea of
manhood that fit into the ideals of Mormonism. For instance, when I discovered
that I was falling in love with my best friend in high-school, every church
leader (apostles and scripture) told me this wasn’t my true self because
homosexuality is contrary to doctrine.
As
a Buddhist and neophyte neuroscientist, I consider the “self” to be mostly an
illusion. We often think we are, whatever our environment encourages us to
believe we are. I’ve learned that much of our lives is preprogrammed in our
genes, and that much of how that programming is executed depends on our
environment. So what happens to the “self” when it is forced to embrace two
opposing ideologies? How do I function now as an exMormon whose primary neural
programming told me to submit to an imaginary authority and hate myself for my
inability to fit inside some heteronormative bubble of ignorance?
Honestly,
sometimes, I don’t know. But today, I’m choosing to frown and acknowledge the
sadness that this automatic self-hated instilled in me. Then, I’ll take a deep
sigh to remind myself that I’ve seen how untrue and harmful that doctrine has
proven itself to be. From there, I’ll smile, knowing that I’ve never been more
honest, genuine, happy, and authentic than when I let go of my childhood
training and to be the natural man I was born to be.
