It's been a month. Time flies.
I began sewing my rakusu for my jukai ceremony that was going to take place this December, but I had some issues with scheduling so it has to be postponed until April. I'm grateful for this unexpected change, and if truly honest, I think my jukai might be better suited for a time when I am more emotionally whole and not still licking my wounds from the divorce.
Insta Zen - Just add water!
Here's some thoughts that I've been having recently. I've come to the realization that while I embrace and love Buddhism for all of it's teachings and the stability it helps to provide me... when it comes to handling my emotions... I'M SO NOT A BUDDHIST! I've always been drawn to it and agree with it's core philosophy, mentally. Nevertheless, embodying the wisdom of the Buddha seems to be something that I don't do so easily.
I thought that reading, studying, and meditating would be easy and that I could make a smooth spontaneous transition from Mormonism to Buddhism with little effort. I thought that I might chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" a few times, sit in lotus position, be groovy and BOOM, insta Zen Buddhist where I'm Ooooooom all day and have no cares in the world. Kinda like born again Christians, I figured I'd have some monumental moment of enlightenment and then I'd be set. BOY! Was I ever wrong.
I heard a dharma talk from a gay Buddhist fellowship I found online (http://gaybuddhist.org) that described my situation perfectly. Essentially he stated that while walking along the Dharma path we can often encounter emotions or situations where we are tempted to forget our practice and put ourselves in a mode that he liked to call "over thinkie". This describes me in a nutshell! I over thinkie CONSTANTLY!
A friend of mine, who clearly does not understand Buddhism, constantly chastises me for my actions by saying "That's not very Buddhist of you". To which I'd like to respond, "That's exactly why I'm Buddhist". I'm not a Buddhist because I'm groovy and chant ooooooom all day. I'm Buddhist so that I may become a Buddha, and often, I am.
I think it's going to take me years to finally start a habit of thoughts that I would like to have. I'd like to be able to see my emotions or situations objectively without attachment skewing my perspective. I'd like to be able to love freely without the fear of loss. I'd like to be able to put in my best effort and accept the results regardless of the outcome. More importantly, I'd like to be able to have self confidence and a sense of self worth without expecting that love to come from the outside. Nevertheless, all these fears and faults are a part of me, I'm human, and they're not going to go away.
Real Zen
I guess I should be more patient with myself. Whenever I go to zen and especially the dharma talks, I always leave feeling a sense of clarity and peace in the acceptance of my humanity. It's very freeing. But why do I so often need the help of others to reach this point? Perhaps, I just need time. I've learned an important lesson this Thanksgiving season. People have needs. I don't understand how they started, where they come from, or what they mean. I think though, that if my zen practice has taught me anything, it's taught me that I shouldn't try to obsess on the "why" and should focus more on the "now what are you going to do about it".
Moving On, Healing +5
That said, I've dated around and have been looking for someone who might want to have a connection but without the expectation of a long term commitment. I mostly found people that either wanted commitment, or there wasn't a real interest in a mutual connection. However, recently I found someone who I connect with and who completely supports me in my desire for companionship without expectations or intense emotions. He has never asked for a relationship and doesn't do anything that would indicate a desire for romance. In fact, we don't even discuss my divorce. We simply play video games and share flirty affections. It's odd that as soon as that need for reassurance was filled, suddenly, I now feel the desire to commit to him..... As confusing as this is to me I'm trying not to judge that emotion and am waiting for it to either pass or develop into a mutual desire for a romantic relationship.
This week I've been stuck in the "over thinkie" stage. His flirtations might indicate a willingness for a romantic relation, however, his words and other actions never deviate from respecting my desire for lack of romance. In other words, he either respects me enough to hold off on that desire, or possibly is in the same stage of life that I am. Disregarding his response, if I pursue a relationship, will I lose the emotional stability that I've been longing for and finally found through him? If I'm rejected, I might fall back into depression and feelings of intense rejection. If accepted, my fear of inevitably being hurt again is likely to resurface and ruin the romance regardless.
After some wonderful advice from several dear friends, I've decided to take a zen approach to the situation. Perhaps, I should just appreciate what I have for the moment. I have a need fulfilled, I'm stable, I'm happy, and I feel attractive. Perhaps, I should just let life happen. If romance develops then I can appreciate the good and bad from it. If the "just friends" status never changes then I can appreciate the good and bad from it. Rather then focusing on my fear of being hurt from love again, or focusing on my fear of being rejected again.... I think I'll just enjoy whatever it is at the moment.
Namaste
