Too Hurt to Let Go, Too Scared to Cling

It's been a month. Time flies.

I began sewing my rakusu for my jukai ceremony that was going to take place this December, but I had some issues with scheduling so it has to be postponed until April. I'm grateful for this unexpected change, and if truly honest, I think my jukai might be better suited for a time when I am more emotionally whole and not still licking my wounds from the divorce.

Insta Zen - Just add water!
Here's some thoughts that I've been having recently. I've come to the realization that while I embrace and love Buddhism for all of it's teachings and the stability it helps to provide me... when it comes to handling my emotions... I'M SO NOT A BUDDHIST! I've always been drawn to it and agree with it's core philosophy, mentally. Nevertheless, embodying the wisdom of the Buddha seems to be something that I don't do so easily.

I thought that reading, studying, and meditating would be easy and that I could make a smooth spontaneous transition from Mormonism to Buddhism with little effort. I thought that I might chant "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" a few times, sit in lotus position, be groovy and BOOM, insta Zen Buddhist where I'm Ooooooom all day and have no cares in the world. Kinda like born again Christians, I figured I'd have some monumental moment of enlightenment and then I'd be set. BOY! Was I ever wrong.

I heard a dharma talk from a gay Buddhist fellowship I found online (http://gaybuddhist.org) that described my situation perfectly. Essentially he stated that while walking along the Dharma path we can often encounter emotions or situations where we are tempted to forget our practice and put ourselves in a mode that he liked to call "over thinkie". This describes me in a nutshell! I over thinkie CONSTANTLY!

A friend of mine, who clearly does not understand Buddhism, constantly chastises me for my actions by saying "That's not very Buddhist of you". To which I'd like to respond, "That's exactly why I'm Buddhist". I'm not a Buddhist because I'm groovy and chant ooooooom all day. I'm Buddhist so that I may become a Buddha, and often, I am.

I think it's going to take me years to finally start a habit of thoughts that I would like to have. I'd like to be able to see my emotions or situations objectively without attachment skewing my perspective. I'd like to be able to love freely without the fear of loss. I'd like to be able to put in my best effort and accept the results regardless of the outcome. More importantly, I'd like to be able to have self confidence and a sense of self worth without expecting that love to come from the outside. Nevertheless, all these fears and faults are a part of me, I'm human, and they're not going to go away.

Real Zen
I guess I should be more patient with myself. Whenever I go to zen and especially the dharma talks, I always leave feeling a sense of clarity and peace in the acceptance of my humanity. It's very freeing. But why do I so often need the help of others to reach this point? Perhaps, I just need time. I've learned an important lesson this Thanksgiving season. People have needs. I don't understand how they started, where they come from, or what they mean. I think though, that if my zen practice has taught me anything, it's taught me that I shouldn't try to obsess on the "why" and should focus more on the "now what are you going to do about it".

Moving On, Healing +5
That said, I've dated around and have been looking for someone who might want to have a connection but without the expectation of a long term commitment. I mostly found people that either wanted commitment, or there wasn't a real interest in a mutual connection. However, recently I found someone who I connect with and who completely supports me in my desire for companionship without expectations or intense emotions. He has never asked for a relationship and doesn't do anything that would indicate a desire for romance. In fact, we don't even discuss my divorce. We simply play video games and share flirty affections. It's odd that as soon as that need for reassurance was filled, suddenly, I now feel the desire to commit to him..... As confusing as this is to me I'm trying not to judge that emotion and am waiting for it to either pass or develop into a mutual desire for a romantic relationship.

This week I've been stuck in the "over thinkie" stage. His flirtations might indicate a willingness for a romantic relation, however, his words and other actions never deviate from respecting my desire for lack of romance. In other words, he either respects me enough to hold off on that desire, or possibly is in the same stage of life that I am. Disregarding his response, if I pursue a relationship, will I lose the emotional stability that I've been longing for and finally found through him? If I'm rejected, I might fall back into depression and feelings of intense rejection. If accepted, my fear of inevitably being hurt again is likely to resurface and ruin the romance regardless.

After some wonderful advice from several dear friends, I've decided to take a zen approach to the situation. Perhaps, I should just appreciate what I have for the moment. I have a need fulfilled, I'm stable, I'm happy, and I feel attractive. Perhaps, I should just let life happen. If romance develops then I can appreciate the good and bad from it. If the "just friends" status never changes then I can appreciate the good and bad from it. Rather then focusing on my fear of being hurt from love again, or focusing on my fear of being rejected again.... I think I'll just enjoy whatever it is at the moment.

Namaste

Too Scared to Leave, Too Hurt to Stay

DIVORCEE
I never thought I would have that word associated with me.

I used to imagine that if I lived right, did what my church leaders told to do, and tried my hardest to live the gospel of Jesus Christ according to the Mormon church, that I'd live a happy healthy fulfilling life.....

Then, REALITY CHECK, you're gay, it's still not going away, you gotta face this now. So after tons of heartache and pain and counseling I have another REALITY CHECK, the Mormon church isn't God's perfect organization and it's wrong about homosexuality and a number of other issues. Then, I come out and think the new gay world will be heavenly with lots of fun,laughter, and finally I'd find true love...REALITY CHECK, most young gay men are as horny and immature as young straight men!

BUT, I worked through dating and heartaches until I meet the man of my dreams. We moved in together, got married, bought a house, and started to live the American Dream. Times were good for the most part, and I often thought it would be heavenly forever. I thought I was through with my REALITY CHECKs!

Finally, I had found myself. I had found my place in life and knew what I wanted. I discovered Buddhism and regained a spiritual foundation for my life. I knew that life was a journey and tough, but I assumed that if I lived right, did what my heart told to do, and tried my hardest to live a moral life that people would eventually respect me for, that I'd live a happy healthy fulfilling life.....

Is it any wonder that life through me another REALITY CHECK?

Despite the efforts of my wonderful husband, I wasn't happy. We both made mistakes, and we both got hurt, only this time, I didn't know how to move on. I still wish there could have been a way for us to work things out, and sometimes I honestly hope that it's all a dream that I'll wake up from. Why is it that the older I get the more drama seems to become more a part of life rather then something I can avoid? I've keep asking myself questions but I find no answers.

REALITY IS AN ILLUSION
Things used to be so clear when I was Mormon. The prophet says this, so I do it. The Sunday school teacher said this, so I agree. The apostle said this, so I believe it. But then life through me a REALITY CHECK that I couldn't continue ignoring. I finally found the one question that they couldn't answer, and it was the only answer I wanted and desperately needed.

Now as a Buddhist, I'm encouraged to become comfortable with idea of "not knowing" so I can eventually find out for myself.... but that doesn't make the not knowing any easier. Sometimes, I just wish they'd tell me what to do. It's completely liberating to be allowed to freedom to make my own path and discover truth for myself, yet at the same time I'm completely debilitated by my ignorance and therefore inability to decide.

Was my husband emotionally abusing me with his lack of interest?
Was I causing myself pain where there was none?

Did I drive him away?
Would it have gotten better or ended up worse?
Is enough ever enough?

When should you leave someone, even if you're still in love with them?
Are we better off apart then together?

I don't know

One thing I do know, is that it hurt like hell and I only decided to leave because someone finally told me what to do. My counselor asked me when I was finally going to put my foot down....so I left. The pain, numbness and disbelief that day reminded me of the day I came out. It felt like shock, terrible, horrific, life ending shock.

Today, this is my only consolation....
"Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere."

Isn't this awesome!

http://mormonsformarriage.com/

It looks like there is a group of Mormons who understand that gay marriage does not threaten "the traditional marriage"! You go guys!

I also appreciated their link http://mormonsformarriage.com/?p=255#more-255 that talks about the fact/fiction of the documentary 8 The Mormon Proposition. I saw the documentary when it was still newly out and I was kinda turned off by the focus on all the money that the LDS church spent to promote Prop 8. I did like, however, that they showed families like mine that are hurt by the homophobia that exists in peoples hearts. It was a little scary to see these guys confirm most of what the documentary stated.

All too often people use the guise of religion to hide their hatred of the "other" or the "enemy". Personally, I don't see a major difference between the attack on the WTC 9/11 and "moralist" attacking gay marriage. They both hide behind their religion and pat each other on the back for doing Gods will.

So today, I guess I wanted to thank this group of Mormons for daring to be different. The leadership of the LDS is just as anti-gay as many other American religions and I think it takes balls when people call out their church for deviating from their foundation of love and tolerance.

I think these Mormons probably have a lot more in common with their ancestors then most.

Shocked and ashamed

My old mission companion and his beautiful family are moving today. They invited me to help with the move so I decided to go and help them out. It was a nice chance to say goodbye.

I stopped by Starbucks so I could get a quick something to eat and noticed an article in the Salt Lake Tribune (http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/49904283-76/argentina-marriage-church-lds.html.csp). As I read the article my heart sank. I've been trying for years to rid myself of the pain and frustration with the LDS church and this caused me to become infuriated once more. Sadly, the online version is missing the little addition that the paper version had. They included the letter the church sent to their members saying "Concerns have been raised regarding the proposed legislation which would change the definition of marriage in Argentina. The doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is absolutely clear: Marriage is between a man and a woman and is ordained of God."

FALL IN LINE SINNERS!
See, I'm used to this kind of language telling Mormons to make sure they fall in line and agree with the LDS church headquarters, but what I was surprised by was in the middle of the article: "That letter [referring to the LDS church's involvement with Prop 8] launched the church’s most vigorous and widespread political push since a 1970s effort to block the Equal Rights Amendment".

My heart just SANK! Equal Rights Amendment, what could the Mormon church possibly have against this?! I've researched it a little and found it on Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Rights_Amendment) and it's own site (http://www.equalrightsamendment.org). I personally can't see a reason for them being against it. Leaving the Mormon church was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I still hold a secret place in my heart for that church and for the good things I learned from it. But it's so discouraging to see an institution that is supposed to be a place of faith and love turned into an organization that demoralized and defames other human beings.

MORMON SCRIPTURE
When I was a Mormon I used to read their scriptures daily for about 30 minutes. I remembered loving by this set of scriptures in the Book of Mormon:
Alma 30
7 Now there was no law against a man’s belief; for it was strictly contrary to the commands of God that there should be a law which should bring men on to unequal grounds.
8 For thus saith the scripture: Choose ye this day, whom ye will serve.
9 Now if a man desired to serve God, it was his privilege; or rather, if he believed in God it was his privilege to serve him; but if he did not believe in him there was no law to punish him.
10 But if he murdered he was punished unto death; and if he robbed he was also punished; and if he stole he was also punished; and if he committed adultery he was also punished; yea, for all this wickedness they were punished.
11 For there was a law that men should be judged according to their crimes. Nevertheless, there was no law against a man’s belief; therefore, a man was punished only for the crimes which he had done; therefore all men were on equal grounds.

SO WHERE DOES THE "EQUAL GROUNDS" START AND STOP?
I wonder how Mormons can read scriptures like this and yet still support their church meddling in the lives of others when their own scripture clearly shows a needs to put all men (as in human race) on equal grounds. I guess they could use this scripture to say that I should be punished for my wickedness of homosexuality. But seriously?! What would the Mormon church have had against women’s rights to equal treatment in the 1970's?