Something magical happened to me the other day while I was out with a friend of mine. I've been lucky enough to have recently found another gay Buddhist around my age, and it's been a great blessing to finally have someone that I can closely relate to in spiritual matters. We decided to hang out by eating dinner together and ended up talking for hours about anything and everything.
The Moment of Enlightenment
In the middle of dinner a song came on in the restaurant that neither of us had heard in years. It instantly brought me back to a time when I was a little boy. I remember being alone in my living room and singing my heart out! I imagined that I was as strong and fabulous a women as was the glorious Whitney Houston. My friend confessed to me that he had done that too, so we came to the conclusion that it must have been the thing for little gay boys our age to do. We had a good laugh about it.
On a whim I decided to download the song to my iPhone so I could listen to it on my way home. I hadn't sung it in ages so I didn't remember the words. I had no idea how much this song would relate to my recent divorce. If you're new to my blog, I recently left my husband of 4.5 years, and the change has been very rough for me at times. The song was "I Will Always Love You":
If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know,
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.
Bittersweet memories,
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.
That song has changed my whole attitude about how I want to handle my emotions regarding my separation. I found it interesting during my mediation to realize that this is exactly the same attitude that I first experienced when I had just left my husband. Yes, I felt a lot of pain. But at the same time I was very joyous. I was happy that the constant worry, anguish, and self doubt would soon be over. But despite it all, I knew that I would always love my husband and wished him nothing but happiness.
Upon seeing this, I then asked myself "So then David, what changed?"
Suffering from my Attachment
I then began to question myself so I could find out why I had felt so angry, hurt, betrayed, lonely and especially confused about my divorce. Since I had started off with clarity, joy, appreciation and excitement about my failed marriage then how did it change so drastically. The answer was surprising to me.
We modern humans are beings dominated by cultural norms, beliefs, and expectations. Soon after my divorce I remembered feeling guilty for the clarity and joy that I was experiencing. I feared that others, especially my ex, would see my joy and view me as uncaring or callus. I didn't want him or my loved ones to think that my marriage wasn't important to me, when in fact, it was the most important aspect of my life. So rather then being grateful for what my marriage had taught me, I chose to obey my cultural beliefs.
I was told by many that I needed to allow myself to grieve and even feel anger because I needed to acknowledge that I had been emotionally abused. Their words didn't match with my beliefs or my emotional state, but for some silly reason I trusted that they must be right. I tried to find ways to awaken to the truth that I should be angry, sad and feel victimized.
Now that I realize how ignorant that all sounds, I feel like I have learned something powerful about myself and the nature of attachments.
Letting Go, When You Are Ready to Let Go
Attachment to spouses, the idea of marriage, and even the idea of self preservation is really just an illusion. I admit that honest pain and sorrow can come from loss or injury, but even that has a realm that we can control. We are all ultimately the master of our own ship in the sea of life. We get to decide if 5 min is all we need to grieve or if it's 500 years. We don't need to listen to society and we don't need to follow their bad example of holding onto the impermanent.
I loved my husband. I'm grateful for what I learned by being married to him. I loved with him. I cried with him. I was intimate with him. Because of him, my life was changed. Where is the bad in all of this? The bad is where I decide to create it. The joy is where I chose to see it. Some people may think I am callus, ignorant, lying to myself, and even a little delusional for saying that I am happy that I will always love my ex.
Nevertheless, I chose to appreciate the love I had. I will love again. Maybe it will only last 4 minutes and then never exist again in my life. Maybe it will last until I die and even continue beyond that. Ultimately, I think I relearned that nothing really is guaranteed or permanent... but doesn't that also mean that our experiences and the things we tend to emotionally or mentally attach to... should be that much more special to us, perhaps even celebrated?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Found a cool blog that I related to today...
I found this site and thought I'd share it with everyone because it meant a lot ot me...
http://lotusflowersgi.blogspot.com/
"About 2500 years ago, a man named Siddhartha Gautama sat under a tree in Northern India and started meditating. He had decided not to rise until he had answered those same big questions that have always bothered mankind. He wanted to understand everything as it really was and not as it appeared to be. After a prolonged period he came to a perfect understanding of what reality was. This great event is known as his “enlightenment” and he was thereafter known to all as the “Buddha”, meaning “the enlightened one”.
The Buddha developed theories to explain his understanding. He typically looked at reality from various viewpoints. In examining the nature of existence he said that there is in fact no inherent existence in anything at all. Nothing in the entire universe has existence in its own right. Everything depends upon something else for its own existence which can therefore only ever be “relative” existence. Another of his findings was that even this relative existence is not permanent in any way. It is constantly changing and the prime reason for change is the law of cause and effect (Karma). The basic “content” of everything is therefore “nothingness” (Shunyata) and only manifests as “something” when a temporary set of conditions, or “energies”, are present. So everything in the universe is the result of a cosmic interplay between the unseen (energy) and the seen (matter). None of these results is constant because the causes themselves are always changing.
With regard to human happiness the Buddha taught that we must learn not to cling onto “things” such as possessions or relationships as sources of happiness because there is no permanent substance or reality to these things. He taught us to regard ourselves as an integral part of everything and everyone in the entire universe. Because we are essentially “one” with everything and everyone we can only be truly happy when we realise that we cannot be so on our own. To be truly happy we have to strive to make everyone happy and we must work on our own minds so that we can see things clearly. The great Buddhist qualities of loving-kindness and compassion are a natural result of this kind of thinking.
“Oneness” with everything is easy to say but difficult to grasp. It is useful to resort to analogies to help us understand. Analogies can form part of our contemplation of life, part of our meditation. The following is an example of how we may contemplate our oneness with everything.
Imagine that you are a wave, a single wave on the surface of the vast ocean. The ocean represents the universe. You have a separate identity in that you have movement and form and an apparent life of your own. You may be a small ripple or you may be a giant tidal wave with terrible power at your disposal. There are many other waves each having its own characteristics - these represent all the other living beings in the universe. You are not the ocean and yet you only exist because of it. You are made of it and you cannot really distinguish the difference between the water making you up and the water forming the vast ocean itself. You cannot exist without the ocean and the ocean cannot exist without you because it is impossible to distinguish where you end and the ocean begins.
The Buddha instructed his disciples not to accept anything as true simply because they heard it from a respected person or simply because it was written in holy scripture. He said that they should test every theory in the laboratory of life and in the light of reason and logic. A teaching should only be accepted it can be proved in this way. This thinking should be applied to the whole of the Buddha’s teaching, collectively referred to as the “Buddha Dharma”. He went on to say that we should base our very lives on the Dharma and not on him as a person."
http://lotusflowersgi.blogspot.com/
"About 2500 years ago, a man named Siddhartha Gautama sat under a tree in Northern India and started meditating. He had decided not to rise until he had answered those same big questions that have always bothered mankind. He wanted to understand everything as it really was and not as it appeared to be. After a prolonged period he came to a perfect understanding of what reality was. This great event is known as his “enlightenment” and he was thereafter known to all as the “Buddha”, meaning “the enlightened one”.
The Buddha developed theories to explain his understanding. He typically looked at reality from various viewpoints. In examining the nature of existence he said that there is in fact no inherent existence in anything at all. Nothing in the entire universe has existence in its own right. Everything depends upon something else for its own existence which can therefore only ever be “relative” existence. Another of his findings was that even this relative existence is not permanent in any way. It is constantly changing and the prime reason for change is the law of cause and effect (Karma). The basic “content” of everything is therefore “nothingness” (Shunyata) and only manifests as “something” when a temporary set of conditions, or “energies”, are present. So everything in the universe is the result of a cosmic interplay between the unseen (energy) and the seen (matter). None of these results is constant because the causes themselves are always changing.
With regard to human happiness the Buddha taught that we must learn not to cling onto “things” such as possessions or relationships as sources of happiness because there is no permanent substance or reality to these things. He taught us to regard ourselves as an integral part of everything and everyone in the entire universe. Because we are essentially “one” with everything and everyone we can only be truly happy when we realise that we cannot be so on our own. To be truly happy we have to strive to make everyone happy and we must work on our own minds so that we can see things clearly. The great Buddhist qualities of loving-kindness and compassion are a natural result of this kind of thinking.
“Oneness” with everything is easy to say but difficult to grasp. It is useful to resort to analogies to help us understand. Analogies can form part of our contemplation of life, part of our meditation. The following is an example of how we may contemplate our oneness with everything.
Imagine that you are a wave, a single wave on the surface of the vast ocean. The ocean represents the universe. You have a separate identity in that you have movement and form and an apparent life of your own. You may be a small ripple or you may be a giant tidal wave with terrible power at your disposal. There are many other waves each having its own characteristics - these represent all the other living beings in the universe. You are not the ocean and yet you only exist because of it. You are made of it and you cannot really distinguish the difference between the water making you up and the water forming the vast ocean itself. You cannot exist without the ocean and the ocean cannot exist without you because it is impossible to distinguish where you end and the ocean begins.
The Buddha instructed his disciples not to accept anything as true simply because they heard it from a respected person or simply because it was written in holy scripture. He said that they should test every theory in the laboratory of life and in the light of reason and logic. A teaching should only be accepted it can be proved in this way. This thinking should be applied to the whole of the Buddha’s teaching, collectively referred to as the “Buddha Dharma”. He went on to say that we should base our very lives on the Dharma and not on him as a person."
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Attached to Detachment, or just too scared to live?
Where do I start!? Well, I guess this was the experience that pops out most to me...
The Mormon Guy
So I was walking down the hall way of my university and suddenly had this feeling "David, log on to Grindr". LOL, needless to say I was surprised by the impression. Why should I log on to a gay hookup site on my iPhone? I wasn't feeling needy or insecure for the most part and was really happy that I hadn't logged on for a while.
Nevertheless, when I get a spiritual feeling/message I usually tend to follow it, so I did. (Yes, I know, I'm crazy, so sue me) I found this guy, who I'll call Matt to protect the innocent, and holy shit... Had I known what would have happened with him I think I would have shut off my phone and never talked to him in the first place. Sigh, so I found Matt's profile and liked that he wasn't looking for a hook-up, plus he was super cute. We started to chat a little and a few days later we decided to meet up and have brunch together at Einstein bagels(I love it only second to Starbucks).
Get this! We both went to the same high school and graduated together! It turns out that we ended up having a large amount of things in common and we talked for two hours before he had to go back to work. Later that day we met up again for a movie and we ended up talking in my car until 2am. Being around him felt so magical. I loved his innocence and his beautiful smile. Every time we'd find something else in common my heart would jump with excitement.
His Situation
Something unique about Matt is that when we met he had never been kissed... ever! We talked about a lot of things, but mostly we talked about his struggle with questioning his sexual identity. Basically, it was like having a conversation with my myself 6 years ago for long hours into the night. We met almost every other night and mostly just talked, and I started to fall for him.
Needless to say, this was a bad idea unless I wanted to repeat a lot of the same mistakes I made in my recently failed marriage. But he was so cute!!! I tried to keep asking myself "What kind of a relationship would a seasoned gay Buddhist have with a bi-curious/gay questioning Mormon?". It was difficult to distance myself and I'll admit that I didn't do a very good job of it, especially after I gave him his first kiss.
Despite his constant flirting, leading me on, and always ending with comments like "But I'm not gay", I learned a lot from Matt. I think sometimes in life we need to brake ourselves out of our comfort zones and dare to ask the unthinkable. Talking with someone who was obviously much more conservative than myself and who is just starting to form his own opinions forced me to question why and how I had formed mine. While the lessons were difficult and very painful to acknowledge, I found a relief in a sacred truth that I discovered about myself....
---What I learned---
Despite the fact that my religious and political views permit for open relationships and sexual acts outside of marriage as long as no one is harmed or abused, I realized that for my own emotional, spiritual, and psychological well being, I can't. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my ex cheated on me within our first year of marriage. Maybe it's because I was slightly glad he cheated, because I feared that I would have been the one to cheat on him first. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I felt neglected and unwanted for the last year of my marriage... BUT DAMNIT, it's how I feel.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes it's okay to lay down the law and not accept anything less than what you asked for. I was so afraid to be judgmental and so attached to the idea of detachment, that I forgot that in this world we all have to deal with the emotional, physical, and psychological states that our lives hand to us. It's not always easy and sometimes our lives can be racked with suffering. But the only way we can get through it is by acknowledging our desires and attachments for what they are. Some are simply an unavoidable part of life. Some we create ourselves... and sometimes... a nice mocha latte is the only way to get through it!
I started to date someone new recently. He's cute, funny as hell, and more importantly, he believes in monogamy. The idea of a relationship still scares the hell out of me and I expect to end up hurt, alone, and insecure in the end. But perhaps, maybe, just maybe, I might end up learning something from him... and if I'm terribly lucky, he just might make me a happier person.
-Namaste-
The Mormon Guy
So I was walking down the hall way of my university and suddenly had this feeling "David, log on to Grindr". LOL, needless to say I was surprised by the impression. Why should I log on to a gay hookup site on my iPhone? I wasn't feeling needy or insecure for the most part and was really happy that I hadn't logged on for a while.
Nevertheless, when I get a spiritual feeling/message I usually tend to follow it, so I did. (Yes, I know, I'm crazy, so sue me) I found this guy, who I'll call Matt to protect the innocent, and holy shit... Had I known what would have happened with him I think I would have shut off my phone and never talked to him in the first place. Sigh, so I found Matt's profile and liked that he wasn't looking for a hook-up, plus he was super cute. We started to chat a little and a few days later we decided to meet up and have brunch together at Einstein bagels(I love it only second to Starbucks).
Get this! We both went to the same high school and graduated together! It turns out that we ended up having a large amount of things in common and we talked for two hours before he had to go back to work. Later that day we met up again for a movie and we ended up talking in my car until 2am. Being around him felt so magical. I loved his innocence and his beautiful smile. Every time we'd find something else in common my heart would jump with excitement.
His Situation
Something unique about Matt is that when we met he had never been kissed... ever! We talked about a lot of things, but mostly we talked about his struggle with questioning his sexual identity. Basically, it was like having a conversation with my myself 6 years ago for long hours into the night. We met almost every other night and mostly just talked, and I started to fall for him.
Needless to say, this was a bad idea unless I wanted to repeat a lot of the same mistakes I made in my recently failed marriage. But he was so cute!!! I tried to keep asking myself "What kind of a relationship would a seasoned gay Buddhist have with a bi-curious/gay questioning Mormon?". It was difficult to distance myself and I'll admit that I didn't do a very good job of it, especially after I gave him his first kiss.
Despite his constant flirting, leading me on, and always ending with comments like "But I'm not gay", I learned a lot from Matt. I think sometimes in life we need to brake ourselves out of our comfort zones and dare to ask the unthinkable. Talking with someone who was obviously much more conservative than myself and who is just starting to form his own opinions forced me to question why and how I had formed mine. While the lessons were difficult and very painful to acknowledge, I found a relief in a sacred truth that I discovered about myself....
---What I learned---
Despite the fact that my religious and political views permit for open relationships and sexual acts outside of marriage as long as no one is harmed or abused, I realized that for my own emotional, spiritual, and psychological well being, I can't. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my ex cheated on me within our first year of marriage. Maybe it's because I was slightly glad he cheated, because I feared that I would have been the one to cheat on him first. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I felt neglected and unwanted for the last year of my marriage... BUT DAMNIT, it's how I feel.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes it's okay to lay down the law and not accept anything less than what you asked for. I was so afraid to be judgmental and so attached to the idea of detachment, that I forgot that in this world we all have to deal with the emotional, physical, and psychological states that our lives hand to us. It's not always easy and sometimes our lives can be racked with suffering. But the only way we can get through it is by acknowledging our desires and attachments for what they are. Some are simply an unavoidable part of life. Some we create ourselves... and sometimes... a nice mocha latte is the only way to get through it!
I started to date someone new recently. He's cute, funny as hell, and more importantly, he believes in monogamy. The idea of a relationship still scares the hell out of me and I expect to end up hurt, alone, and insecure in the end. But perhaps, maybe, just maybe, I might end up learning something from him... and if I'm terribly lucky, he just might make me a happier person.
-Namaste-
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