Attached to Detachment, or just too scared to live?

Where do I start!? Well, I guess this was the experience that pops out most to me...

The Mormon Guy
So I was walking down the hall way of my university and suddenly had this feeling "David, log on to Grindr". LOL, needless to say I was surprised by the impression. Why should I log on to a gay hookup site on my iPhone? I wasn't feeling needy or insecure for the most part and was really happy that I hadn't logged on for a while.

Nevertheless, when I get a spiritual feeling/message I usually tend to follow it, so I did. (Yes, I know, I'm crazy, so sue me) I found this guy, who I'll call Matt to protect the innocent, and holy shit... Had I known what would have happened with him I think I would have shut off my phone and never talked to him in the first place. Sigh, so I found Matt's profile and liked that he wasn't looking for a hook-up, plus he was super cute. We started to chat a little and a few days later we decided to meet up and have brunch together at Einstein bagels(I love it only second to Starbucks).

Get this! We both went to the same high school and graduated together! It turns out that we ended up having a large amount of things in common and we talked for two hours before he had to go back to work. Later that day we met up again for a movie and we ended up talking in my car until 2am. Being around him felt so magical. I loved his innocence and his beautiful smile. Every time we'd find something else in common my heart would jump with excitement.

His Situation
Something unique about Matt is that when we met he had never been kissed... ever! We talked about a lot of things, but mostly we talked about his struggle with questioning his sexual identity. Basically, it was like having a conversation with my myself 6 years ago for long hours into the night. We met almost every other night and mostly just talked, and I started to fall for him.

Needless to say, this was a bad idea unless I wanted to repeat a lot of the same mistakes I made in my recently failed marriage. But he was so cute!!! I tried to keep asking myself "What kind of a relationship would a seasoned gay Buddhist have with a bi-curious/gay questioning Mormon?". It was difficult to distance myself and I'll admit that I didn't do a very good job of it, especially after I gave him his first kiss.

Despite his constant flirting, leading me on, and always ending with comments like "But I'm not gay", I learned a lot from Matt. I think sometimes in life we need to brake ourselves out of our comfort zones and dare to ask the unthinkable. Talking with someone who was obviously much more conservative than myself and who is just starting to form his own opinions forced me to question why and how I had formed mine. While the lessons were difficult and very painful to acknowledge, I found a relief in a sacred truth that I discovered about myself....

---What I learned---
Despite the fact that my religious and political views permit for open relationships and sexual acts outside of marriage as long as no one is harmed or abused, I realized that for my own emotional, spiritual, and psychological well being, I can't. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my ex cheated on me within our first year of marriage. Maybe it's because I was slightly glad he cheated, because I feared that I would have been the one to cheat on him first. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I felt neglected and unwanted for the last year of my marriage... BUT DAMNIT, it's how I feel.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes it's okay to lay down the law and not accept anything less than what you asked for. I was so afraid to be judgmental and so attached to the idea of detachment, that I forgot that in this world we all have to deal with the emotional, physical, and psychological states that our lives hand to us. It's not always easy and sometimes our lives can be racked with suffering. But the only way we can get through it is by acknowledging our desires and attachments for what they are. Some are simply an unavoidable part of life. Some we create ourselves... and sometimes... a nice mocha latte is the only way to get through it!

I started to date someone new recently. He's cute, funny as hell, and more importantly, he believes in monogamy. The idea of a relationship still scares the hell out of me and I expect to end up hurt, alone, and insecure in the end. But perhaps, maybe, just maybe, I might end up learning something from him... and if I'm terribly lucky, he just might make me a happier person.

-Namaste-