Attachments should be celebrated!

Something magical happened to me the other day while I was out with a friend of mine. I've been lucky enough to have recently found another gay Buddhist around my age, and it's been a great blessing to finally have someone that I can closely relate to in spiritual matters. We decided to hang out by eating dinner together and ended up talking for hours about anything and everything.

The Moment of Enlightenment
In the middle of dinner a song came on in the restaurant that neither of us had heard in years. It instantly brought me back to a time when I was a little boy. I remember being alone in my living room and singing my heart out! I imagined that I was as strong and fabulous a women as was the glorious Whitney Houston. My friend confessed to me that he had done that too, so we came to the conclusion that it must have been the thing for little gay boys our age to do. We had a good laugh about it.

On a whim I decided to download the song to my iPhone so I could listen to it on my way home. I hadn't sung it in ages so I didn't remember the words. I had no idea how much this song would relate to my recent divorce. If you're new to my blog, I recently left my husband of 4.5 years, and the change has been very rough for me at times. The song was "I Will Always Love You":

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know,
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

Bittersweet memories,
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

That song has changed my whole attitude about how I want to handle my emotions regarding my separation. I found it interesting during my mediation to realize that this is exactly the same attitude that I first experienced when I had just left my husband. Yes, I felt a lot of pain. But at the same time I was very joyous. I was happy that the constant worry, anguish, and self doubt would soon be over. But despite it all, I knew that I would always love my husband and wished him nothing but happiness.

Upon seeing this, I then asked myself "So then David, what changed?"

Suffering from my Attachment
I then began to question myself so I could find out why I had felt so angry, hurt, betrayed, lonely and especially confused about my divorce. Since I had started off with clarity, joy, appreciation and excitement about my failed marriage then how did it change so drastically. The answer was surprising to me.

We modern humans are beings dominated by cultural norms, beliefs, and expectations. Soon after my divorce I remembered feeling guilty for the clarity and joy that I was experiencing. I feared that others, especially my ex, would see my joy and view me as uncaring or callus. I didn't want him or my loved ones to think that my marriage wasn't important to me, when in fact, it was the most important aspect of my life. So rather then being grateful for what my marriage had taught me, I chose to obey my cultural beliefs.

I was told by many that I needed to allow myself to grieve and even feel anger because I needed to acknowledge that I had been emotionally abused. Their words didn't match with my beliefs or my emotional state, but for some silly reason I trusted that they must be right. I tried to find ways to awaken to the truth that I should be angry, sad and feel victimized.

Now that I realize how ignorant that all sounds, I feel like I have learned something powerful about myself and the nature of attachments.

Letting Go, When You Are Ready to Let Go
Attachment to spouses, the idea of marriage, and even the idea of self preservation is really just an illusion. I admit that honest pain and sorrow can come from loss or injury, but even that has a realm that we can control. We are all ultimately the master of our own ship in the sea of life. We get to decide if 5 min is all we need to grieve or if it's 500 years. We don't need to listen to society and we don't need to follow their bad example of holding onto the impermanent.

I loved my husband. I'm grateful for what I learned by being married to him. I loved with him. I cried with him. I was intimate with him. Because of him, my life was changed. Where is the bad in all of this? The bad is where I decide to create it. The joy is where I chose to see it. Some people may think I am callus, ignorant, lying to myself, and even a little delusional for saying that I am happy that I will always love my ex.

Nevertheless, I chose to appreciate the love I had. I will love again. Maybe it will only last 4 minutes and then never exist again in my life. Maybe it will last until I die and even continue beyond that. Ultimately, I think I relearned that nothing really is guaranteed or permanent... but doesn't that also mean that our experiences and the things we tend to emotionally or mentally attach to... should be that much more special to us, perhaps even celebrated?